Can you date a coworker in Japan, and what can you do when you've been ghosted by your boyfriend of a year?

Dear Hilary,

Recently, I’ve started going out for dinner often with an employee from the same company but a different department who joined last year. We chat during working hours too when we aren’t busy. I enjoy spending time with her, chatting with her, and it seems like she enjoys it too. I’ve started to like her and find myself thinking about her now and then. I’ve even lost interest in other women romantically after meeting her. But here’s the twist: she’s in early 20s, and I’m in my mid‑30s. She’s Japanese, and I’m a foreigner. She’s beautiful, and I’m… well, fat. Sometimes, when I’m feeling confident and motivated, I think that appearance, age and nationality shouldn’t matter, and I feel like expressing my feelings. But then I remind myself that this isn’t a movie or a fairy tale, and I don’t want to ruin what we currently have.

*On top of that, she’s looking for a boyfriend, and although I wish her good luck and give advice too, it’s only half‑hearted. If she liked me, she wouldn’t have told me that she is looking for a boyfriend. I do feel she just sees me as a good friend, which is not bad at all. My love story with her might never happen, but I want her to live her story happily. It won’t take much time for her to get a boyfriend because she is kind, smart, beautiful, young, and has a lovely smile. I’ll definitely be jealous when she gets a boyfriend, haha. But when she gets one, I hope she gets the best. Also, it’s quite obvious that we won’t be hanging out like now once she gets one. *

If she were from another company, I might have taken a chance, but the same company can complicate things. So my question is: how do I deal with my current state of mind? – Incomplete Love Story

Dear Incomplete Love Story,

I don’t often get emails from men, so thank you for writing. Yours is a situation I’ve unfortunately seen a number of times from people who have come to Japan for work. I agree that appearance, age, and nationality should not matter, but given that she is your coworker, you should proceed with caution.

How often do you and your coworker go out for dinner together? It’s not clear from your email, but it sounds like you’re in a “just talking” sort of relationship. According to your email, your coworker has also expressed an interest in finding a boyfriend. There are two ways to interpret this: she is interested in you or she’s coming to you for advice about a different guy.

There is no way of telling without asking her, and that can lead to various other issues.

Personally, I don’t believe in dating anyone where you work because of how it can complicate your livelihood and visa status if things go wrong. That said, unless your company has anti-fraternization rules, you are allowed to spend time with anyone you want.

If you want to find out how your coworker feels, start by being honest with yourself. Ask yourself how often she initiates your hangouts versus how often you initiate them. If she does initiate, what sorts of places does she suggest? Does she suggest others join in as well? Depending on your answers to these questions, you may gain a better understanding of how your coworker feels about you.

On the other hand, if you want to know directly, you can simply ask her. Unfortunately, you can’t go back from there; if you ask and she wants to date you, then that’s wonderful. If she doesn’t, then things will be awkward between you at work.

You seem to not only understand how you feel, but have already come to the conclusion that you shouldn’t confess how you feel to her.

You should be proud of yourself for being able to remain logical in the face of such overwhelming feelings.

Dealing with your current state of mind won’t be easy, but there are some things you can do to regain a sense of balance and step back from this situation without hurting yourself, her, or your work.

You’ve already started by acknowledging your feelings, which is good. Limiting your interactions with her to professional ones only, and redirecting your energy towards your work and personal life are two other steps you can take.

Getting over a crush takes time, but if you redirect your energy, you might find love somewhere else. For example, joining an activity or participating in an event can open up whole new worlds for you. Don’t beat yourself up for having a crush. You’re human, you’re allowed to have feelings. It’s how you deal with them that matters. Good luck.

Hey Hilary,

*I’m an American woman in her early thirties and I was dating a Japanese man in his mid-thirties until just before Christmas. We were only dating for a year, but when we met (from a Japanese matching app), it was love at first sight for me. He lived with his parents so I never visited his home, but he came over all the time. We talked about someday getting married and maybe having children. After our one year anniversary I mentioned moving in together. He told me he needed time to think about it. *

The next day, I didn’t get any LINE messages from him, and the ones I sent him weren’t read either. I tried calling him but it didn’t go through, and I think he blocked me on Instagram too. I don’t understand how he could just ghost me after being together for a whole year. Is that a Japanese thing, or is he just a jerk? – Got Ghosted

Dear Got Ghosted,

Well, I’m tempted to say that he’s just a jerk, and I’m sure that’s a big part of why he chose to ghost you after dating for a year. I doubt it’s the only reason why.

This isn’t strictly a Japanese thing, or a man thing either. He might have come to the conclusion that the relationship wasn’t working for him and therefore he ended things. Ended them in a cold, cruel fashion, yes, but that could be it. You mentioned meeting via a dating app; if the app wasn’t marriage-focused, he might not have been genuinely interested in anything long-term.

There’s also a chance that he was already taken and realized he couldn’t keep the affair going.

Talking about marriage and kids is one thing, actually moving in with another person and building a life together is another. You said that he lived with his parents so you’d never been to his place – that is a pretty big red flag, to be honest. Yes, it could be true, but it’s also a very convenient way of keeping you at arm’s length.

Did you ever meet any of his friends, or were you ever made a public part of his life? There are plenty of Japanese men who are interested in having their partners meet their inner circle when they’re in a serious relationship. That said, there are also just as many who won’t introduce their partners to their parents until they’re asking for a marriage blessing. If your answer to either of these questions is no, then he was definitely keeping you in the dark.

Whatever his reasoning was, it was hurtful and, most importantly, not your fault.

There is nothing wrong with asking your boyfriend of a year if he wants to move in with you. His reaction is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility to try and understand or justify what he did. You’ll only frustrate yourself if you do.

Getting closure is next to impossible when someone ghosts you. I encourage you to focus on yourself instead. Be kind to yourself.

Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Email it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com with the subject “Ask Hilary.”